Fiber Cereal

• I am in my office eating my high fiber cereal (with blueberries and a bit of grape nuts as well) that has been soaking for perhaps two hours so it is nice and soft.
• I ran a strong 10 miles this morning (~16km).  It was helpful.  
• Later this morning I will eat my bowl of grapefruit and grapes.  
• Yesterday was the first class of the new semester.  In this semester, I spend 9.5 hours straight on two days a week (it is an accelerated class and there are enough students to also have two laboratory sections).  50 students total, with about 10 on a wait-list because I cannot overload the class due to lab regulations.
• As it was the first day of the semester, I talked the whole damn day.... in my "professorial voice" as well.  I was beyond tired.
• Unfortunately, our Parish's "Care-Share" study group changed the day it is meeting now to Tuesdays at 7:00pm.  My wife REALLY enjoys going, and so we went.  I always enjoy the videos, which are focused and rather linear in presentation.  But the mandatory group discussion afterwards is difficult for me... and was even more so in my state of exhaustion after "big voicing" all day.  Please do not get me wrong.... I like the people.... but as I have said before.... the ability of the group discussion to be focused (such as ABOUT THE VIDEO WE WATCHED) is nil.... I think the tiny brain of a gnat would have more ability to focus than the collective group.  It is very, very challenging for me, especially when I am exhausted and famished (not enough time to eat..... barely enough time to get to the "Care-Share" after leaving the U as it is.  I did nibble on ONE small "Fun Sized" candy bar that they had a big bowl of for snacks, but honestly, candy like that on an empty stomach only makes me feel a bit queasy and a) I also still worry about eating badly in that it may cause my BMI to creep out of the "normal" zone, and b) I still struggle to NOT eat in these types of situations to just "bide time".... that is an old habit I had used and was ingrained in me for decades.... and when I was working hard to lose weight all that long time ago, the "eating mindlessly in social situations.... to bide time" was one of the biggest struggles I had (and forced) myself to break.  It still IS hard when I am am feeling "trapped" in social situations where I find myself feeling tired, bored, or impatient.   
• Because of the new schedule in this accelerated semester, there is no way I can be at the Retiree's Cigar Group on Thursdays..... not even late as I would at best get there about 6:30pm..... no good at all.  So, today, I am going to try out seeing what it may be like on Wednesdays at the normal meeting time.  I believe a couple of the regulars at the Retiree's Cigar Group do go to the shop most days to just hang out and talk.  So, I am thinking now that my Wednesday early afternoon is free for the next several weeks, I will go (at least today) to see if that may work and I might find a friend or two to chat with.  
• Come July, however, I will be VERY HAPPILY able to go back to the Retiree's Cigar Group and SHOULD be able to be there at a normal time on Thursdays for the next six months!  
• My students are going to present there research talks this upcoming Monday.  I will have to make an appearance too, and this meeting, being a regional one, is only about three hours away, driving.  Not that I want to drive for six hours on my Monday.  But, I should make an appearance.  I was contemplating that after I make my appearance, there is a tobacconist in THAT city I have not visited for more than a decade.  I have been rolling around in my mind that just MAYBE, I could go visit there and have a pipe while I am there.  Part of me is really drawn to the idea.  I have been happily imagining doing so for more than a week now.  Yet, I am admittedly nervous as well.  I keep imagining I am taking more and more steps on a slippery slope.  If I think about it too long, I already feel guilty about going to the Retiree's Cigar Group.... even though I also can conjure up in my mind that it is important TO go for the friendship I obtain.... and the cigar is just a part of the experience... at least in my theory.  But, in thinking about and wanting to go have a pipe at this other place.... feels almost like a wanton disregard for the "slippery slope" and perhaps is just my mind wishing to be hedonistic. So, I am not sure what I will ultimately do.
• Speaking of this research meeting, a few of my students have just arrived to practice with me an ask questions.  So, I had better end it here.

PipeTobacco

Thursday Was Nice

Going to the Retiree's Cigar Group ON TIME for the first time in MANY weeks was really a very nice time.  Everyone who is a regular (except one person) was there, and it was extremely relaxing, peaceful, fun, and felt very experiential (I use the term "experiential" to mean it feels like an experience.... something pleasant.... not simply a task or work.).  I ended up indulging in a Perdomo Habano, and it too was pleasing to my palate and my mind.  

My wife had a work related task Thursday evening, so even though I would rather be enjoying her company..... I felt rather refreshed from the afternoon.... I went swimming, then I went home, tidied up the kitchen a bit, made a small, lime-flavored desert for us to share when she eventually came home.... AND then willingly went to my den and worked more on some of my student's presentations for their upcoming talks at the regional meeting happening soon.  

Today, I have ran already, so that is nice.  I am gearing up for a hoped for, final push on getting these presentations up-to-snuff.  I am hoping I may be able to go swimming WITH my wife this afternoon.  I still feel trepidation about the weekend, but am hoping it will go well.  

During much of the stressful times in the last few weeks, I did NOT experience any dreams, or if I did, they were more nightmares (that I do not want to relive).  But, last night I had an especially vivid and pleasing dream, which made me quite happy upon awakening.  In the dream, I was somehow in Germany, and it was a pleasant Summer day.  I was in a nice, shady park, and had just sat down and was eating a German sausage in a bun (probably not even a real/legitimate German food, but more what I imagined to be so), was drinking a large, frothy beer (in a glass mug), both of which I had purchased from a food vendor nearby (even the mug, which I was asked to return when finished).  Also in a stereotypically silly and unlikely fashion, in the park, they were having a tuba and clarinet concert I was happily listening to.  After finishing the sausage and about 1/3 of the mug of beer, I pulled out my pipe, and filled it with pipe tobacco (it was oddly some imaginary German brand I must have "picked up" prior to the start of my dream).  As I ignited my pipe, it was surprisingly and vividly robust  and quite beautiful.  In the dream, I felt so fully, the sights, sounds, and flavors of everything and felt so content.

PipeTobacco 

Wanting "Jakoś to będzie’ "

 

I had been reading a bit and came across a concept that I have borrowed some quotes from that article below:

"In Poland, the concept of ‘Jakoś to będzie’ is acting without worrying about the consequences. It’s reaching for the impossible. It’s taking risks, and not being afraid. Literally, the phrase means ‘things will work out in the end’ – but it’s so much more than that. Rather than sitting around and hoping things will work out by themselves, 'Jakoś to będzie' is acting without worrying about the consequences. It’s reaching for the impossible. It’s taking risks, and not being afraid.  It is a concept that seems to make sense to me, and it is perhaps the perfect philosophy for tough times.

Happiness Polish-style is getting out of that comfort zone. It’s doing something that doesn’t seem to make sense simply for the sake of going against the tide. It’s striving for change."

My wife has Polish heritage, and the (now closed) Parish we went to for Mass ever since we were married is rich in Polish tradition.  One very nice fellow I knew from our Parish was from Poland and he and his family had been held in one of the Concentration Camps when he was a young boy before immigrating to the US after World War II.  I remember him saying the above phase, and now reading about it again brought back good memories.  He was a wonderful person.  He passed away about 10 or so years ago.  Even though our Parish closed, my wife and I are still often in contact with he and his wife's kids and grandkids.  

I ran again this morning.  It was good, but I am tired.

I am off to the Retiree's Cigar Group later today.  I hope it goes well.

This upcoming weekend is already getting me nervous as there are several family related activities that are happening and the potential is there for a rough go of it.  I am hoping things run smoothly but we shall see.  While I plan to write tomorrow (Friday) too, I am just mostly hoping that come Monday, things may be more calm in a more prolonged fashion.   

PipeTobacco

 

 

Trying to Find Calming Waters

 

Things are still difficult, and I am still feeling considerably on edge much of the time, but I am back to continuing to seek more "calming waters" and to try to manage all this stress with hopes that it will eventually dissipate and I can feel back to "normal" ..... hoping this is not some sort of NEW normal.

I ran outside today, and that was helpful.  It was extremely sunny (rare here), and I was a bit concerned it might have been hard for my eyes, but I wore a pair of prescription sunglasses and tried to not run directly into the sun, so it went ok.  

I believe I have my new class that starts next week, up-to-snuff electronically.  There probably are a whole helluva lot of date typos, so that may be a hassle, but in the greetings e-mail I sent out to students I informed them that during the first week or so of class they may get updated versions of things if I find errors.  So, my bases are covered, even though I have to find the time to look through things again with a fine-toothed comb.  

In this week off between classes, I should (fingers crossed) be able to go to the Retiree's Cigar Group at the appropriate time and see everyone.  That should be very nice.... I hope.  I will probably get some ribbing from some for being away, but hopefully I will be able to just take it in stride.   And, perhaps it will JUST be fun and enjoyable. Who knows?

Unfortunately, this is about all the time I have to write, as I am still knee deep in the process of building presentations for the presenting students.  I hope perhaps to get it done today (again, fingers crossed) so I can let that stressor go as well.  

PipeTobacco 

Very Hard

 

It was a very hard weekend.  

Grades are due for my 200+ students.  The new semester (accelerated pace) starts in less than a week and so I have to have those materials (electronic, paper, etc) all ready.  Problems arose with the family member I do not speak about here but they have been really damn hard. My MIL was experiencing weakness and much greater dementia when we visited Saturday evening.  I was very concerned. I am struggling to get talks together for the four research teams presenting at the regional conference in about two weeks.  

I am getting inundated by many e-mails (perhaps ~35) of the 200+ students this semester, whining about there grade prospects and asking for "extra credit or "anything"" that can help them get the grade they want versus the grade they have earned.  Three of these e-mails were from students (especially notoriously bad students) who attempt to "PUSH" at me with statements akin to "....well, you didn't reply to all my previous e-mails" (there was ONE prior e-mail asking me to open up 15 different electronic assignments for her and I ignored it as she had NO REASON other than her choosing to not do them at the appropriate  time....and it CLEARLY STATES in my syllabus, and I say it aloud at least four times during the first week of the semester..... I DO NOT REOPEN ELECTRONIC ASSIGNMENTS) or "...I think it is unfair you asked this, and this assignment of us." (they are easy to earn points if the student does them and end up helping ~95% of students course grade).  Both of these students are REPEATING the course as they failed the first time.

When (the fortunately VERY, VERY FEW) students attempt "bullying" tactics like the two above..... it makes my blood boil, and I would LIKE to reply back to them in a "fire and brimstone" or at least "snide and snotty" fashion telling them basically to go to hell.  But, that would be both unkind and wrong.... and also damn foolish on my part.  So, I have let my e-motions about that simmer and cool down before a write a brief, terse reply explaining that their "request" is not possible.  I am glad the VAST MAJORITY of students are not like this, but the two or three that can be are memorable.  

In the above, I actually WILL reopen assignments for students who have a LEGITIMATE reason (like a medical issue or a death in the family..... BUT NOT because they forgot or didn't want to do the damn thing at the time it was due.  These electronic assignments are only worth perhaps 2-3 points each (in a class with over 1000 points to earn) and are a pain in the ass to open up for individual students, often taking 10-15 minutes for each student.    

Trying very hard to focus NOT on ruminating was easier said than done this weekend.  I was emotionally at my end.  I cried a lot.  When I could, I slept a lot.  On Sunday, I had a splitting headache like with my TMJ acting up.... but more than usual.  It was all along the right side of my face, eye and upper skull.  My right eye was feeling extremely light sensitive.  I felt like I was having a panic attack.  My wife thinks I may have experienced a migrane as these were similar to the symptoms she has experienced when she has had a migraine.  I slept and cried, on-and-off for about 2-3 hours on Sunday afternoon.  When I got up, the light sensitivity had decreased some, and so had the headache.  But, I was still emotionally and physically completely exhausted.    

Fortunately it was heavily cloudy outside and I wore sunglasses.  My wife and I went across town to the cemetery (where my parents are and my FIL (my wife's dad)).  We went there specifically to clean the headstone of an elderly friend of ours who lives (now) about 3 hours away from the cemetery.  She is almost 90 and is in frail health.  She had always been faithful about bringing flowers to her Mom and Dad's gravestone..... and with Mother's Day coming up, and with her very likely not being able to come to the cemetery due to her health at the moment.... we went out to the cemetery with a flowering plant we bought for her Mom's headstone for Mother's Day.  We did this so we could take a photograph, and then print it and send it to her, so she would see that we did this for her so she would know her Mom did receive flowers.  Because of the harsh weather (still frost sometimes at night) we took the flowers back home with us so they would not freeze and will bring them back the day before Mother's Day to leave there (and I will be bringing a plant for my own Mom as well).  

On Thursday, I did go to the "Retiree's Cigar Group" but because I was even later than usual, none of the group was there.  I tried to read my book (I am re-reading Huxley's "Brave New World" at the moment.) but my heart and mind wasn't into reading. .  I was also ahead of the evening crowd, so I had the place to myself.  My mind kept going into rumination, but I kept trying to steer my focus onto my phone or at least onto the cigar.  But.... overall it was not as wonderful as usual.  

I am sorry for my own whining.  But, I need this place to be able to try to express when I feel, good or bad.... to help me.  

PipeTobacco

Practice

 

Purposeful efforts to steer my mind away from rumination about hurts and stubbornly fixed-focus on the "professsory" tasks I alluded to yesterday..... is NOT an easy task.  I am finding it takes considerable effort on my part to do so.  I guess that is to be expected, as it has been an ingrained pattern of mine for decades.  I DO FIRMLY believe that if I can master and wrangle more purposeful control over this fashion of thinking.... I WILL be able to experience a) more happiness, and b) have a more EXPERIENTIAL life..... both of which I realize I sincerely desire.  

In comments yesterday, my friend, AC alluded to the paradox of trying to control our minds WITH our minds.  I agree it is a rather confounding paradox.  Yet, it seems truthfully the only tools we have to attempt this task.  

If I am able to go (late) to the Retiree's Cigar Group tomorrow, and if there is at least a straggler or two remaining when I arrive... I believe I WILL feel that feel that wonderful sense of being part of an EXPERIENTIAL life that I so crave.  Part of me is hoping/considering trying to assess and analyze the experience as a means to better understand WHY and HOW it occurs so I may potentially be more easily able to replicate this in other aspects of day-to-day life.  Yet, in the same breath I also can see how the plan to assess and analyze the experience may in itself be ludicrous to attempt, and may in some fashion prevent the experiential aspect from occurring.    

In an ex post facto fashion I can identify the relived memories of pipes I have enjoyed in the past as sort of an "imaginary experiential" life as these memories help me cascade into sleep at night.  As a sleep tool, I think these memories are quite helpful.  But, they do not substitute for current experiential life.  

While it is true that both of the more easily identified experiential events (or memories) I mention are associated with indulgence in tobacco, in my opinion that is simply an artifact of my experiences across my lifespan.  I am by NO MEANS only trying to live experientially in the manner of pipes (or cigars)... I want to more fully live experientially in as many day-to-day things as I can muster and learn to have experientially.  

PipeTobacco

Sword Edge Conundrum

 

Thoughts can often be like a double-edged sword for a professor.

A major aspect of our job IS to think... a lot.

But as the last week & a half has helped me to BETTER realize, thinking can (at least for me) be problematic.  This latest challenge I have faced.... relating to the mean, inappropriate, and unkind actions of a problematic person to me at work.... has helped me to better UNDERSTAND how MUCH TIME I spend in thinking.... and more specifically how much time over the last week and a half I spent thinking, rethinking, ruminating about, and working through my thoughts, feelings, and hurts resulting from this person.  And, I have began to realize how much of a damn waste of time that is.  

I was so completely enveloped in my thoughts that I missed EXPERIENCES.  For example, during the last week and a half, the transition of the outdoor foliage from brown twigs into newly emerging leaves had begun, and I had not even noticed it until this morning while running outside.  Many leaves were well past just starting to emerge, and I missed that beautiful transition (although much growth still remains for the leaves).  

* * * * * 

I came to the realization that I DO NOT LIKE having so much of my time being engulfed in thoughts... primarily "thoughts" related to work, or "thoughts" related to challenging family members, or "thoughts" related to the unpleasant things in this world (politics for example).  Life is too damn short to have so much of my precious time engulfed in these things.

BUT.... I am also realizing it is DIFFICULT for me to not fall into these sorts of thought patterns.  Being a scientist, I also was concerned perhaps my ways of thinking reflected a pathology of one sort or another.  I briefly spent time working through clinical characteristics of several psychological maladies......obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and post traumatic stress disorder.  And...... another bit of a "double-edged sword" was that I found, while I (like most folks) will likely identify with a few symptoms of each of the above conditions from time-to-time, but (fortunately) none of what I experience comes even near the threshold for clinical diagnosis for any of the above.  

This now has me thinking it is perhaps more of a "risk factor" of my profession.  And with/if that being the case, that suggests I can work to retrain my behavior and patterns to NOT overthink things.... or at least substantially reduce overthinking.  

* * * * *

That is the "task" I am now working on for myself. Namely, to be more tangibly aware of my thoughts and my moods, and when I am in a "negative" space in terms of focusing on a hurt, or an unreasonable expectation of others (work OR family)..... I am working to reshape my thoughts to a) something I appreciate and/or love, or b) to being experiencing something more tangibly real.  

There are so many ways I can do the "a" and "b" above.  It is basically to try to change my thoughts to either positive thoughts or actions.  I think it will be WORK to get my mind to initially do this as I have had so many decades now of "professory-ness" level thoughts of..... analyze, analyze, dissect, dissect, formulate, formulate......that it will require willpower to break the cycle to have a more peaceful mind.  

Interestingly enough, I became cognizant of this "peaceful mind" goal when I was thinking last night of how so very DIFFERENT going and being at the Retiree's Cigar Group was for me.  When I am able to go, now especially since I am am considered "one of the group".... when I am there... the time there is SO very wholly EXPERIENTIAL and so not rumination and thinking and analyzing.  And, I so very easily slip into the fully experiential mindset while there..... it was revealing to me.  This realization has put the Retiree's Cigar Group's importance to me even more so.  And, I believe I can and will find ways to become less "thinker" and more "experiencer" in life now that I am more cognizant of what I had been doing and realizing it is not how I wish to live.

That is about it for today.  I have lots more to say (as usual) but I need to do work and get prepared to let thinking "go away" as best as I can when I leave the U today.  My primary foci to be away from "overthinking" has been a) this morning... where I listened to and experienced two daily Masses on my phone while I ran, and b) this evening I am hoping to focus much more experiencally with my favorite person in the entire world, my wife.  I am planning especially to a) not bring work gripes home to talk about, but to instead b) relish the beautiful time we can be in each other's company this evening.......preparing dinner, relaxing, and chatting.  We are even planning to swim this afternoon.  None of this is atypical for us in the evening.... but I think for ME, with a greater AWARENESS of and APPRECIATION for the actual EXPERIENCE of being with her.... if I can keep my mind in that experiential realm.... it will be far, far more delightful. 

PipeTobacco