Randomosity

Just an array of random thoughts:

• I actually did not know that "randomosity" was an actual word.  I thought I had made it up, but it is in the dictionary so is apparently legitimate.
• Even though I "knew" deep in the recesses of my mind.... but I wasn't actually "aware" in my day-to-day thoughts that I an old enough geezer to technically be considered by my U students' as a "grandpa" figure.   
• The Israel - Hamas War is difficult at so many levels.  Here are my opinions overall..... Hamas is wrong and started this sad affair.  Hamas, IMO, does not represent the Palestinian people.  Palestine does deserve and needs its own country.   Israel's government is causing horrific death and destruction of civilian (non-Hamas) people, which is wholly wrong.  People who are Jewish should NOT be the subject of hate speech.  In a perfect world (a pipe dream of course) here is what I would want.... Hamas to end.  Palestine to exist.  Israel to be at peace with Palestine.  No discrimination nor harm for people who are Palestinian nor Jewish.   
• My grades are now in, and I have a few days to get my next damn class ready for next Monday.
• I am up in the air about Thursday at the moment.  Part of me desperately wants to go to the gathering and enjoy the luxury of a wonderful pipe.  Part of me wants to go and indulge in a cigar, just to feel more a part of the "in crowd".  Part of me is worried that I will not be able to go due to some sort of U crisis that is potentially going to happen.  Part of me thinks I am just a dumb, old doofus for thinking about such things and that I should not go.
• I have been so exhausted the last several days that I do not even read when I finally get to bed.  I am asleep before my head hits the pillow.  It is full exhaustion. I am back to being in a dreamless sleep too, and my wife even has gotten nervous a few times because I am apparently not even moving during my sleep (I typically am rather restless and moving around a lot).... so that she sometimes rouses me ("just to be sure") because I am so quiet and stationary.
• My TMJ has quieted quite a bit.  I think during the last 4-5 days, I had some sort of gum infection near a back molar and have been treating it (uncomfortably) with the technique my now retired (and unfortunately expired) dentist from 50 years ago recommended in these occasions..... with a finger of mouthwash in a cocktail glass (I use a traditional,  minty, store-version of "Scope") add ~ a single teaspoon of hydrogen peroxide.... swirl around the mouth as typical, expectorate, and then repeat with a finger of just the mouthwash.  But, this gum infection has been difficult because I aggravate it when I eat, so I have been eating very gingerly to try to avoid hitting it (which has been hit-or-miss in terms of success, regretably).  But... FINALLY, it feels like it is getting better. 
  
• Running.... unfortunately, with the irratable, out-of-sorts way I have been feeling.... I have NO interest in running.  But, I keep doing it.  And, when I get the damn steps out of the way, I have to admit every time that I do feel LESS out-of-sorts.  So, I keep doing it.
• I would love to swim today, but the damnable pool is CLOSED today for "filter maintenance".  To me this seems absurd that the WHOLE DAY has to have the pool be closed, and truth-be-told, I think it is just an excuse.  But, oh, well.  
• Sometimes I think I am just a silly, old fool to have such a fondness for pipes and pipe tobaccos.  Sometimes I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.  I just do not know, sometimes.
• I have to send in a new abstract for an international research meeting (unfortunately in the US this time) that I am going to work to present at in November.  I need to get the abstract in by the end of the day, so I had better scoot.

PipeTobacco

Aggravation

I am livid, but I am going to let it go.  A student whose task was to keep a stock culture alive of nematodes did  not do so and they expired.  This is ~2 weeks before an important presentation.  I have scrambled to order a new culture (out of my pocket) and have it shipped to us.  It will arrive Wednesday.  I am not happy.  But, I am not going to let it ruin the rest of my day.

Things around at the U are just too damn intense and stressful and frustrating at the moment.  

Breath. 

Let it go.

There is no inherent value in being p*ss*d off.  Emotionally, I want to dress down the student because I am so frustrated and angry.  But, I cannot do that, as it a) is not the way I want to be as a person, b) it does not promote kindness, c) it does not really help in learning.  I would also hate myself afterwards if I did so.

I am hoping that the crunch he has put himself and his group into.... is going to be sufficient enough stress to have him learn a valuable lesson.  Perhaps after things settle down, I will more gently TALK with him about this experience.   

Breath.  

I can say with 100% certainty that in the wonderful "old" days, this easily avoided catastrophe sure as hell would have been a whole lot easier to grapple with  while having a delightfully smoldering pipe clenched between my chompers as I practiced my "breathing".

* * * * 

• Because of all the end of the year "dog doo-doo" that happens.... and in 2024 this "doo-doo" seems to be happening at an exponentially and logarithmically greater level than most other years I have ever experienced.... I did NOT run today.  I had been ahead a bit, so I should theoretically be able to catch back up tomorrow.  But, that too was not a good way to have to start the day.
  
• My wife and I have had (for ~6 months now) a pair of tickets for a date together in a nearby town to listen to a very nice classical guitar group.  It is likely to be filled with all sorts of "fancy" people dressed to the hilt.  I am not sure what my wife will choose to wear, but I will be decked out in the same, frumpy, tweedy attire I wear to work most every day.  But, it should be a pleasant evening.  I may even allow myself a drink.  The music should be wonderful.
  
• I am still keeping my fingers crossed about next week's potential cigar/pipe experience.  I am HOPING I can still go, and that I will not be forced to stay at the U that day because of my recalcitrant group associated with the nematodes, who did not follow my guidance... to help them catch up and get their crap accomplished.  I so want to have the opportunity to go.  I still debate whether to join the "in crowd" with a cigar, or to be a "lone wolf" with my pipe.  

PipeTobacco
 

Tick-Tock

 

The clock keeps spinning, and I need to vent slightly about an annoyance:

Our U has an Office of Disability Services.  This is, of course, a very valuable thing and is good, important and needed to help folks who may have a disability of some sort that can be accommodated to help them be successful in college.  I have have many 100s of such students over the years, and they have ranged from physical limitations to emotional and mental limitations.  It is good of our U to do this sort of service.

Yet, as I have spoken about previously, there are SOME aspects of accommodations that the U sometimes awards students that are simply akin to cheating.  I now regularly get perhaps half a dozen students a year now that qualify for "note cards" (aka cheat sheets) that they can write up ahead of time and then USE during their exam at a quiet, solitary testing center at the U.  But, I digress.... these are students I have spoken of before, and they are still, to my manner of thinking..... not doing the right thing.... for others in the class, for the class itself, and for their own learning.

The new pet peeve, however is the adoption of the "privilege" of NOT having to use a scantron sheet when taking an exam.  Supposedly, these students have some sort of "challenge" in filling in the bubbles on a scantron sheet that warrants their simply needing to circle the answer they choose on the multiple choice test itself.  And, our Office of Disability Services does not convert the answers onto a scantron for us professors.  No, we are simply supposed to do it ourselves.  And, when you have 5-6 students (out of my ~275) acquire this "accommodation" across 5 different 100 question exams in the semester.... it is just annoying and aggravating to do.... and it does not actually feel appropriate.   

Yes, it does not take a LONG time.  But it is ANNOYING that this is an "accommodation" a student may select.  And, in the two that I am converting today.... each student is NOT visually impaired, has no coordination issues, and BOTH write in very fine, very small script all over their exam booklet (I permit this for all students).... so they damn well can fill in a bubble on a scantron form.  

• Ran 10.  It was nice outside again.  A bit windy, but still quite pleasant.  
• My wife and I hope to go swim this afternoon and perhaps will dine out tonight.  
• Still debating in my mind (eagerly) whether to have a cigar or a pipe if I get to go a week from this Thursday.  I am probably making this decision and this planned for event FAR bigger a deal than most would understand.  But, it sounds and seems as if it could be just so very good at many levels.  I really would PREFER a pipe, but I also do not really want to stand out like a sore thumb if cigars are the norm.  
  

PipeTobacco

Mustard Seed

 

A variety of bullets today:

• I am feeling significantly better on several fronts overall.
• A.  The incredible stress of last two weeks with so MANY extra U events and extra U deadlines and all the U final lectures of the semester that had to be completely finished and most of the emotional turmoil from the U students who are failing one or more of my courses is OVER.
• B.  A major new "Community Service & Outreach" component of my research work happened Saturday, and the preparation for this ALSO occupied much of the last two weeks. "Community Service & Outreach" is a new buzz phrase in the politics of campus at the moment, and it is spearheaded by folks in the typically community service oriented disciplines (i.e. social work, communications, business, etc.) to "coax" (perhaps read as "goad") other disciplines to "Gee whiz, Get out there, and show them yer stuff !"
• Scientists do not typically have a lot of "Community Service & Outreach" activities in their day-to-day.  However, I was able to expand my "Community Service & Outreach" in a couple of carefully crafted ways that I personally have found legitimate and valuable.  This past Saturday, I spent the day at a regional "Earth Day" extravaganza and set up a booth to talk about endocrine disrupting pollutants.  This has direct relatability to some facets of my lab's research since many of my research strands are involving the developmental implications of exposure to medications and other endocrine disrupting chemicals.  But, as a part of my being at this event, I have a second goal as well... to collect signatures & e-mails from folks because I have tasked my undergraduate researchers with a goal to complete this Summer of creating a social media presence (I think they are going with Instagram) where they will be creating curated (and monitored by me) posts where they take newly published endocrine disruption research journal articles and condense the findings into a posting that is more widely readable and meaningful for a general audience.... to be a part of our "Community Service & Outreach" that can be ongoing.  The e-mails I collected at the "Earth Day" extravaganza will  hopefully seed interest in the account and this will add to the easier to obtain "fish in a barrel" population of future followers who will be a lot of U students.  We will see how it goes as they develop it.
• C.  My beloved pooch seems to be fully "up-to-snuff".  No screechy pain responses, she is back to her full hyperactive self and it is as if nothing had transpired.  I cannot explain it in the least.  But, I am thankful as all get out, for how it now seems.  And, after a huge amount of debate and discussion with my wife Thursday, we decided to have her (our dog) get her normal "spa" treatment  (the groomer).  I can tell you I was completely on edge during the full four hours she was there, worrying and anticipating some sort of emergency call.  Because of an all-day U "extravaganza" on Friday that I needed to attend (several of my researchers presented at this "gala") my wife ultimately had to pick up our pooch.  She very kindly sent me photos of her after returning home showing that she (our dog) was feeling good, was excited, and seemed to even feel extra "beautiful" (it is odd, she always acts a bit like she knows she is extra pretty after the groomer).  
• D.  A MAJOR improvement in my TMJ occurred Friday evening as I was flossing (as I do usually at least three times a day), and while I was gingerly flossing around the two teeth that have been acting up relative to "olive pit-gate", I flossed out what was apparently an errant sesame seed.  And, I had not eaten any sesame seeds for the better part of a week.  When that seed came out, I felt an immediate decrease in pain.  What I think is the likely explanation is as follows.... back when I chomped down on the damn olive pit... it hurt like hell (of course) and bruised by temporomandibular bursa on that side, causing it to inflame greatly.  I think the inflammation affected my gingiva (gums) at that inflammatory site and since one of those teeth is of the (only) two teeth I have that are crowned, I think while inflamed, a damnable sesame seed lodged its way between the edge of the crown and my gum.... continually irritating the spot further.  It must have been wedged under the crown quite well, and until it started to work itself out, I could never catch it with the edge of dental floss, so I was not aware of it being there.  I just felt its pain as part of the bursa pain.  With the exiting of that damnable seed, my jaw feels ~90% better, and I was able to eat in relative comfort last night, which was wonderful.  I think it may be a bit of time for my gingiva to fully heal/recover, so I am still going to eat rather gingerly on that side for the time being... and also for the time being.... no tiny seed-like items! The power of a mustard seed (and even a sesame seed) is not something to dismiss.
  

So, this morning, I ran my 10 miles (10.1 actually,  ~16.25 km) and it actually FELT enjoyable.  It was around 50 degrees outside, with little wind, and it was heavily foggy, and would rain gently occasionally through the run.  

One small less than delightful thing also occurred.... at about 1:00am this morning.  I try to the best of my ability to be quite fastidious about the goings on in my lab.  But, over the decades, I have had to make a "panicked" trip back to the U to make sure I did not leave some sort of dangerous piece of equipment on.  I would say it has happened to me, perhaps once every other year or so.  Well, as I was drifting off to sleep... and yes, I was imagining the hoped for cigar shop meet up in about a week-and-a half, and I was imagining being there and still debating between whether I would choose a cigar (to fit in) or my pipe (which apparently is "allowed" but my impression is that it is not the norm.... but what I  would like most to indulge in, truth-be-told).  It was quite pleasant just having the gentle debate of which delight to pursue in my mind..... when suddenly a different, damnable thought exploded into my mind, "Did I turn off the hotplate I had used to warm a solution I had made, earlier on Saturday before traveling to the Earth Day expo?"  I have a protocol that I follow and my students follow to check and double check the "hot" items (hotplates, bunsen burners etc) before any of us leave for a day.  But, dammit to hell, I could not say with certainty that I had turned off the damnable hotplate, because in the rush to get traveling to that farther away event, I did NOT follow my own damn protocol.  I was even more worried because it was a day and a half later.  Luckily, I knew I had the hotplate ONLY on warm, not on a setting where the element would be firey red in color.  But, that thought and the uncertainty of what I had done was like a jolt of lightning going through my body.  I had to get dressed and head over to the U at 1:00am.  Very fortunately, I happily found that I HAD turned off the hotplate, and there was no worry. 

PipeTobacco

The New "Normal"

 

Thurs far, what I have been able to do to try to return to "normal" is not quite where I want, but it is a bit better:

• I typically wake feeling nervous and fearful.  Everything still FEELS like problems are lurking around every corner.  This includes all the things I have been worrying about of late:  a) my dog, b) the agonizingly slow progress in my TMJ, c) the feelings of being either behind or teetering on a knife's edge in terms of keeping all the crap I have to do, afloat, and d) whatever the NEXT major crisis will be and when it will occur.
• I POUND OUT MILES until I am so tired that my nervousness and fearfulness have somewhat dissipated.
• I get to work, and juggle all the work crap from the moment I step foot on campus until I can leave.
• Late, late in the day, I can finally quit, and I go home (or sometimes get to swim a bit first and then go home).  I still feel nervous and on edge until I see if the dog is ok when I get in the house.
• I make dinner with my wife, and we eat together.
• We watch ~30-60 minutes of television
• We go to bed.

Lather, rinse, repeat... 

That is the best I can do at the moment.  It is not good.  It is actually pathetic. I need it to change.  I do not know how to get it to change.  But, I need it to change.  But, I am not asking for the damn moon and stars.  What I want is:

• To awake feeling generally refreshed, and calm.
•  To feel the old enthusiasm to go run those miles
•  To go to work and feel creative and excited about teaching and research.
•  To leave for the day, content and to swim with my wife.
•  To make dinner with my wife, and enjoy it together
•  To watch some television, feeling content until we feel sleepy.
•  To go to bed, enjoy each other intimately, and then fall into a restful sleep.
  

The two scenarios aren't TECHNICALLY a helluva lot different.  But, they are far more than "a river too far apart" from each other.  The culprits:

•   WORRY
•   DAMNABLY DAMNABLE TMJ
•   TOO MANY DAMNABLE DEADLINES

So, I am having a really hard time.  I am so CLOSE to having the life I would like on the surface... but the actual moment-by-moment living is so FAR from what it needs to feel like inside.   

PipeTobacco

Trying

I am trying to be POSITIVE and trying to focus on doing good work and on having a "can do" attitude.  It is something I currently have to FORCE my mind into, as the various ambiguities about so many things feel like I am a juggler who is trying to juggle 15 bowling balls simultaneously while riding a unicycle on a tightrope 100 feet off the ground. 

• Nervous, but hopeful about our dog.   She SEEMS normal, even after two days without the medicine.  But, she also has a grooming appointment for Friday, and that usually is wonderful for her and she likes the feeling and the people, but it is also taxing and I am not sure if we should keep or cancel this appointment because she often is utterly exhausted from the experience for at least a full day if not two.
  
• TMJ... the damnable olive pit incident is STARTING to slowly resolve, I think.  But, it is still painful, especially after eating for a while.  And, EATING is something I need to do physically and emotionally. I just hope that it will fully dissipate.... and hopefully soon.
  
• Frustrating deadlines are looming all about me.  Abstract submissions, printing submission deadlines, and of course the looming of final exam week not too far from now.... and that week's deadlines for exams to the graphic's center, the futzing around getting exams to the Disabilities Office for students who qualified for various accommodations (usually psycho-social) to make taking an exam easier for them... but more time consuming and difficult for me, and many, many others.  

But, regardless of the above (and more) I NEED to be more positive and work to find happiness even with all the stressors and worry.  Pat mentioned something akin to this in comments two entries ago, and it struck a chord with me, but I did not initially know how to verbalize it.  But also while listening to Mass today while running (OUTSIDE... it was 50 degrees Fahrenheit  (10 C)) at 5:00am this morning, I heard a homily about being a good sheep.  The basic idea of this homily was to try to promote a feeling of acceptance of what is, while at the same time still knowing that we need to work hard to do good... and to see good around us.  Pat's ideas were similar and very helpful.  I am still not explaining the ideas well.... but I can state that the words of Pat and of this Priest both have helped me to (emotionally, apparently not verbally) recognize how I have to work to be.  It at least gives me a ray of hope.

With all that is going on, I have difficulty thinking into the future much.  I am just attempting to survive the now with as much grace and happiness I can figure out to have.  So, even though TECHNICALLY I should have a free Thursday in two weeks to go to the cigar shop I was invited to by the fellow at Mass, I cannot even spend much time imagining that at the moment, even when drifting off to sleep.  I literally have virtually NO thoughts once I lay on the bed at the end of the day lately.  No dreams, no thoughts.  I still have to discern whether to try to have an actual cigar, or, as was suggested by the fellow when he wondered to me why I hadn't joined the group yet.... I could smoke my pipe (he said it "was allowed") since I had told him my background was mainly with pipe and pipe tobacco smoking. But, I have not had the energy to muster up thinking about that.

PipeTobacco

Herstory

My beloved dog appears to be doing well with her medication at the moment.  She has been given (as I mentioned) some sort of anti-inflammatory/steroid/pain combination medicine.  In speaking with the veterinarian I am to continue giving this to her through the weekend and then stop on Monday morning.

Her behavior and physiology all seem to again be reasonably close to normal at the moment.  She is perhaps a bit less frenetic.  She has had consistent bowel movements and urinations.  She has barked some at noises she hears.  So, thus far things are hopeful.  

Yet, I still feel a sense of dread and terror that I am having difficulty shaking.  Her initial crisis really threw me for a loop.  I have always been extremely careful about all aspects of her care, and until this crisis, she has been very energetic, robust, and seemed younger than her years.  

When we obtained her, it was originally at the urging of my youngest daughter, as she had wanted a dog for a long time.  During most of our marriage my wife and I had mostly had many cats of various sorts.  I had also had cats as my primary pet prior to marriage, when in graduate school.  Do not get me wrong, I absolutely love dogs, and I had two great dogs growing up (and many cats as well).  In adulthood, I think the primary reason I gravitated towards cats was simply because of easier care requirements for cats.  With the ability to have an indoor litterbox, it made the variances of graduate school timetables more manageable, and this convenience is perhaps the major reason we had only cats for much of our marriage.  You CAN, if needed, leave a cat to its own devices for a day or two if travel is required.  Our cats often gave us grumpy faces for a bit upon return, but they were safe, secure and sound.  But, a dog necessitates a far more consistent routine, and of course this is in part for potty breaks, but also tends to include food too, as MOST dogs will tend to overeat if food is available.  Some cats do as well, but it is not as common.   

I love all the pets I have had, quite dearly.  And, even though arguably, we obtained our dog because my youngest daughter so wanted a dog, I also knew that it was more than probable that the dog would become my primary responsibility.  I think that is often common for dogs in families, but it goes further than that....

I am not sure what it is, but throughout my whole life, pet animals (dogs and cats primarily, but cockatiels, guinea pigs, and other sundry pets I have been around (at home, during college and graduate school, and into full adulthood) seem to bond very, very strongly with me.  It has always been that way.  There must be some facet of my personality that pets can read and perhaps find comforting.  I am not sure.  And, I admit, I strongly bond with them too.  

And, I do not mind, as I love interacting with them.  I always have.  In part that is likely why I navigated towards biology and also towards veterinary medicine (and equally why I moved away from veterinary medicine... too much emotional pain in that career) during my college years.

Well, the above is me blathering.  What I was meaning to say was that our new puppy, from nearly the moment we drove home with her in our car, stuck to me like glue.  Yes, she did always play with our kids, and yes, she always was happy and excited to see my wife.  But, much, much of the time, she was focused on interacting with me. We have one cat currently, and he is the same.  I am his focus.  

It was not that I intentionally tried to have our pets be so "enamored" with me compared to others in our family.  It just seems to be the way they respond with me.  It has always been this way.  

AC mentioned that he did not realize I had a dog.  The above is somewhat in response to that comment.  I have mentioned my dog many times here but, typically only in passing, so I can easily understand not remembering these mentions.    

I am not exactly sure why I am writing this today.  It is perhaps just me trying to cope with the roiling emotions I am still trying to figure out how to quiet.  I KNOW she is elderly.  But, this unexpected crisis threw me off kilter.  It makes me feel like a failure.  It makes me think regretfully about all the times I have missed with now deceased family, friends, and pets.... not because I didn't TRY, but because I can only do so much, and what I do never seems enough.  

To try to salvage the running week, I ran two different 10 mile runs today.  One, this early morning.  And the other (much more slowly) this early afternoon.  I had hoped I could stomp out my worries and fears, but of course, that did not happen.  It did quell them a little.  

My sleeping has been rough the last few days as well as I keep close watch on our dog.  I cannot even seem to focus strongly enough on beautiful pipe memories to fall into sleep.  I feel I need to be "on guard" to watch, and observe, and care. 

PipeTobacco